Rachel likes messes

So I have had a mini-revelation! One that was kind of like, um DUH afterwards... but I realized that I have been acting up to this point like I am not allowed to do whatever I want despite many affirmations from all 'round saying the opposite. I guess that doesn't explain it really well; it's as though, when I am home or doing an independent project, I never think about my potential success rate. Generally I just automatically realize that if I mess up, I can just start over. This mentality leads to more confidence, which leads to a higher success rate; maybe 8/10 tries. For school I have always been intensely aware from the outset that I must achieve success or elseways fail. But I have never realized before that my desire to succeed and to please my teachers actually heavily influenced what I produced.

My epiphany occurred when I was reconsidering my brief discussion with John Sarra. I had been basically asking what media I was allowed to use. I realized that if I had been making this project outside school, I would have pounced on my first impulse without a second's thought (I do that jumping without looking first thing a lot, but seem to have avoided any disastrous cliffs and strayed more towards small hills). I realized I was being a complete idiot in trying to avoided my natural impulses; I mean shedding external interference in your work that is pretty much what this whole experience is about. I have to stop fearing making messes because they can be they best things I ever create. So from now on I shall look before I leap ;D

In any case, I apologize again for being a tad tardy. It feels like all the more a failure since my time here is running so short. I've been taking photos increasingly obsessively in an attempt to preserve what this whole part of life has been like. My only way of consoling myself about leaving is to tell myself that I will have even more time to make whatever I want once I'm home. My family better be ready to deal with my giving my room a studio makeover!