Cat in a puddle

So this week has been a turn around and crazy. For classes things have shifted in my head so that I feal more OK working on art the way I want, jumping in and doing something when I get inspired like the shirt without worying about how it ties in directly to a class asignment untill I start hashing out the details, in this case the importanse of the openings down the back. ( my mother would recognize the symbolism and posibly how it works into my theme of gears and deseption- ie I had back surgery and now have mettal rods in my back. In an exray I look like Im part psyborg. On the outside though I look normal.) I finaly am starting to get and like theme sequences. Drawing to has startyed to make a positive turn. I am learning that I need to just work how I already know I work best. (Dont assume Regan is like other teachers. If she doesnt say dont do something, dont assume she is going to say dont do it. Its not fare to her and it realy traps me. Incorperate the lessons but remember if something works for me use it too. I did this on my sketch from last week with the angel when I alowed the picture to grow itself rather than working solely from a grid compleatly pre aranged. I can work that way and have done so for dozens of classes but my best works usualy define themselves.)
I wanted to talk about a work in process to. Two things you should know is that I love performance pieces. THeir is a direct conectedness with an audience and a magin in how a performence uses all the sences intimatly. The second is that I have a dog who died late last spring and I am still torn up about it. His name was trucker and he dies from cancer/ we had to put him down because he was in too much pain. We had him for 10 years and he was my best friend. I probably spent more time with him that any other being at least certianly for my highschool years. He was a terior mix and was full of energy and wickedly smart. He knew the family rutiens better than we did and could read moods and actions better than any person I know perhaps save my mother. He was sweet and funny and my reason for being in alot of ways. He made me feal important needed and loved. Unconditionaly. I knew that no matter how I messed up he would love me and not because we were family or because he got anything out of it except my company and seeing me happy. Their is alot to be said for that. Missing it was and is probably the hardest thing about college and why I still feal like something, a conecctedness is missing at wash U. Maybe that is why the word that I chose for my movie clip was connection. I originaly was thinking of all the connections and jumps and sectet messages I like to put in my work, like the political and riligious referenceis in my sculpture and the lines the string draws between the god of money and the trapped worker on the wheel. I dismissed the piucture I put in of trucker (whbich you cant actualy see as I am blocking it)as a tie back to what regan told me about incorperating the hurt and thirfor invalid. But I think some part of me is always conecting back to Lushe (Trucker). As they say all rodes lead to rome and if you travel any link in my phsychy long enough you will hit an element of Trucker. Even my reflections in my other movie pieces relate to the reflecting back on him and the way I feal like I am often on a presipice when I think about him. That is why foropen piece I want to do a series of performances about trucker. THe one I want to start with is making a mask of him that I whare. I am constructing wings that will have hoops on them and I want to make ribbons in mulple colors and right stories and various memories of him on them then have other people, strangers tie on the ribblon one at a time untill the wings are full. Then I can take of the mask.
I hope it works. THeir is alot about me needing others help their and finding a way to regain that conected ness and love that I feal like I have lost, the color of waht has turned gray in a way wit his passing. It may sound stupid but I want to do this for me. I want not to memorialise him but have one more talk with him. One more pet, like Gonzalas, I want this discussion not for everyone else but for me, and in a way, for him.