Rachel wondering

So I find that my life (and possibly thus my art) is defined by ambivalence. I can’t decide if I love the way things are or hate it and if I’m satisfied and happy or not. We’ve been delving into our interests in themesequence class, and Jana said that recurring ideas should be taken note of. (A lot of those are visable in my now decorated workspace). For me those recurring ideas tend to be about: love; ambivalence (big surprise, right?); questioning self-worth and purpose; wanting to be accepted; etc. A lot of it is really personal and it makes me kind of nervous to think I will have to explain the meaning of work. It’s also generally all so powerful that I find it difficult to filter and channel into art. I don’t know if I should be diving into that stuff or staying away from it, because while it tends to upset me, I think it’s possible that it’s good for me.
In terms of perspective, the slight distance from using it that I now have is useful, I think. I’ve kind of realized that I was interpreting the concept of trying to experience it as something new, like Jana and Regan say, wrong. I thought that meant it had to be completely separate from my prior experience. In fact, I think my prior experience is supposed to be a foundation for new knowledge without limiting myself to just that. I guess I kind of assumed I should be doing that anyway, in everything—not limiting my mindset, using every possibility to expand it. So I’ve been doing a couple more intuitive perspective drawings, and I think that now it will be easier to use more measuring without discarding my intuitive understanding, which is what I was fighting with all along.
So now I have to figure out how to proceed. I really think I can’t just leave powerful ideas alone because they can upset me; my best friend and I have discussed this and she thinks it could be a good idea to express stuff like that. I think she’s probably right, but I have to make sure I don’t let it get me down in the process. There is way too much amazing stuff here to let my world become cropped down to my inner thoughts. Everything is beautiful, things are simpler and more whole somehow (I saw this little boy walking along in the park letting confetti blow off the top of his head—so beautiful and simple). My roommate Cat (Catherine) and I have been dealing with rooming with a friend for the first time, and the rough spots can be difficult, but we can do it. I miss my sister, who is really at the center of the love concept that keeps popping up, and my cats, but I’m used to it. I have to keep reminding myself life is about the now and enjoying it.
I do that, I think, when I indulge in a random crafty project, like my mask last week, and painting my wallet this week. What I really have to do is combine that with my my complicated thoughts. I think…
All other photos here.